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We Are All Stronger Than We Think I grew up in a home full of abuse like many of you. My dad told me that I was the ugliest person on the planet,that I looked like a dog, that I was crazy. He even lied about me on the witness stand at the divorce trial. He punched my brother in the jaw the day he had his wisdom teeth removed, would choke my mom, throw her against the oven, shake my brother violently when he was a toddler, pretend that he was going to kill himself, etc. My mom stayed with him because he threatened he would take us four kids from her. She was terrified. We saw counselors who actually told us kids and my mom to respect my dad and be submissive to him and that it was our fault. My dad "ran" with that and things only got worse. He was deacon at our church. He was Director of Cardiology at our local hospital. No one believed he was awful! He was known in our small community! I never dated (just burried myself in books), but God helped my family when I graduated college by "sending!" me my husband who was a Children's Social Worker. My husband helped us get out (he was required by law to do so, based on all he saw and was told) and my mom got a divorce and protection by the court. I struggle with severe anxiety disorders and have a tough time in social situations, as a result of my upbringing. I am very agoraphobic-- afraid of public places and social interactions. I am basically a recluse and spend all my time indoors. I see a counselor now and am on meds to help. I had to tell my dad to stay out of my life unless he can somehow prove to me and my husband that he has changed or sought help. But he denies he has any problem or ever abused us. He says it's our fault and blames my husband for the demise of his family and marriage. I often feel horrible that I do not have a dad in my life, despite all he did. But, my husband reminds me any time I feel a need to submit myself to his presence that he only ever hurts me... and it is very true! I still struggle with the "old tapes" of his voice telling me that I'm nothing, I'm ugly, I'm worthless. But, this year my husband and I hope to make the biggest move/change of our lives and move out of state, away from all of this mess and teach kids who struggle too. I have a teaching license and taught for a few years, but the anxiety became too much and I quit. I have a hard time of feeling inadequate in everything I do and felt like I wasn't teaching well enough, even though I always got outstanding evaluations and my students even begged me not to leave. I have a hard time believing people when they say positive things about me and always think they are either lying or saying things with ulterior motives. I have spent my time off getting healthy and realizing that my anxieties are all fears and if I have my husband loving me and my Heavenly Father guiding me, I have nothing to fear except fear itself and I can step out in Faith and stop allowing my dad to control my entire life! It's about time I help others, as has always been my dream! May you all step out with faith even when it may be scary. You are stronger than you think! ![]() | |
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