My Mom

My Mom lately, and for the last 12 years, has been a psycho. When I mean "psycho" I mean she acts so strangely, but she's my Mom and I have to claim her, so I get very angry at her.

She has absolutely no friends. She acts too weird. She is pretty, and can look good--but also look like a psycho--I've seen that.

Misery loves company, so she always tries to be in my life. She claims that "other people" spend time with their mothers. Constant guilt and I have to constantly say "no" not this weekend.

She left her husband of 22 years to pursue a Christian College, and was potentially happy. That resulted in nothing, and from there she has spiraled.

It has only gotten worse since I had my son. He is now 6.

There is so much I want to say about what she does.

She can't hold a conversation. Her sentences are filled with so many "um's" I get frustrated. She has no happiness in her voice. No memory and so distracted. I moved from the town I lived in because she lived there.

She would show up at my house before work (8 a.m.) and say she wanted to say "hi" to my son. No care that I was leaving for work--mornings are always rushed. I could tell by her psychotic look that she hadn't slept.

That's the other thing. She doesn't sleep. She can't sleep.

She physically attacked me about 3 years ago. She sounded like a growling dog when she attacked me. She was growling, and that was the stangest/scariest sound. I threw her against the wall and she was pulling on my hair. I was so shocked, and disgusted. I can still remember how brittle she felt when I pushed her up against the wall, but she was truly psychotic and I know she could have killed me if she wanted. I most always have a feeling of disgust when it comes to her. She does something like that (that is the only incidence of physical violence) and then calls a week or two later and asks as though nothing happended. I know that sounds shocking, and I was physically assaulted. I did call the police that evening and told them I wanted to put a restraining order on her. I was so upset. But the policeman's response was "on your own mother?"

It was a fairly smaller city/town and I knew a lot of people and that is not something I wanted people in the courthouse to know about. I never proceed with a restraining order.

Now it's years later. She is still weird.

I wish she would graduate out of her funk, but I don't see it happening.

I know it's me that has to change. Change my idea of what MY mother is, and what expectations I have for a mother. My mother is only going to be this. I hate her for that.

She used to be normal. Normal because I didn't know any better as a girl maybe. (?) Now that I'm an adult I see that she had strange tendencies.

What if I end up like that? Will I end up like that if I'm all alone? With no sleep? No one to talk to? Those are the questions that make me reconsider her and try, and try again.

I could tell so many other stories but I know there has to be someone out there that has it worse. I don't want to go on & on about my problems.

Thanks for listening to me thus far.