Lessons My Mother Taught Me

God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change, Courage to Change the things I can, and the Wisdom to Know the Difference.

I've read this prayer hundreds of times without a single thought of my mother, until recently. In the last few weeks I've begun to connect this prayer with her and the diseases she suffers from, Schizophrenia and Paranoia.

God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change

It took me years to accept the fact that my mother has a disease that can not be cured. I used to try, without success, to 'fix' her, as if she were broken. My mother wasn't broken, she just suffers from mental illness.

You might ask 'what does mental illness have to do with acceptance?' 'Why do we have to accept mental illness when there seems to be a cure for just about everything?' Just about everything doesn't include my mother's diseases. There is no cure for Schizophrenia or Paranoia.

Today, I accept this. I don't like it, but I accept what I cannot change. This has led to an improved relationship with my mother. Once I stopped blaming my mother and trying to 'fix' her, I began to understand her. Does this mean that I like her diseased words and behaviors? NO! But now I accept that my mother is doing the very best that she can. This acceptance has allowed me to do many things -- it has helped me understand that my mother can not overcome this disease and it has helped me forgive her.

Forgiveness is a powerful gift. And with the gifts of forgiveness and acceptance came another equally powerful gift - the ability to stop being resentful. I no longer resent my mother for not being the person I thought she should be. Letting go of these resentments led to a miracle. I no longer speak to my mother with anger and no longer resent trying to make her happy or bring her pleasure - and this is truly a prayer come true.

My visits with my mother have become much more comfortable and our telephone conversations more frequent and pleasant. Even my mother agrees with me. She has pointed out that she finds me 'much easier to get along with', and coming from my mother, that's quite a compliment! By accepting that my mother's behavior is due in large part to the diseases she suffers from, I have changed the way I behave towards her. Once I accepted my mother as she is, I was the one who changed. This brings me to the second part of the special prayer…

Courage to Change the things I can

It takes courage to change yourself. Until recently I never thought of myself as an especially courageous person. I used to think that things would be perfect if others changed. Now I've learned that it is often yourself you need to change to be truly happy.

Once I had the courage to do this, I realized that I owed my mother an apology. I used to try everything to change her -- from controlling how and where she lived to controlling our telephone conversations, all the while telling myself that I was doing this or that for 'her' own good. Controlling wasn't I? You bet! You see, I thought that if I tried to make my mother act more 'normal', then she would be more normal, whatever that means.

Somehow I finally realized that it takes true courage to accept the things I cannot change -- my mother. And it takes true courage to change the things I can - myself. I had to take a long look at myself and realize that I wasn't good or bad or right or wrong; I was just human, just like my mother.

Accepting myself and all the different parts of me allowed me to accept my mother and her many different parts, including her diseases. I had the courage to change my point of view. Today I do not see my mother as a Paranoid Schizophrenic but as a person who suffers from the diseases of Paranoia and Schizophrenia. This has improved our relationship immensely and brings me to the final portion of the Serenity prayer, 'the wisdom to know the difference'.

And the Wisdom to Know the Difference

In many ways the wisdom to know the difference is the most difficult part of this simple prayer. I used to think that I was much 'wiser' than my mother - I did not suffer from mental illness and was better educated. But this did not make me wiser. I didn't have the wisdom to understand my mother or myself.

Ignorance, not wisdom was what I possessed. My ignorance was my inability to accept the things I cannot change and my lack of courage to change the things I can. Ignorance kept me trying to change my mother, and this same ignorance kept me from trying to change myself. By focusing on my mother and her diseases, I avoided focusing on myself. It was only when I accepted myself that I was able to accept others; this led to wisdom. For today, I might not like certain things that affect me, but I accept that I may not be able to control them. For today, I know that I cannot change others; I can only change myself. But how I change, changes how others act toward me.

As I accept myself and seek the courage to change myself, I gain wisdom and thereby Serenity. Serenity is now a gift I share with my mother. Does she need to know how long it's taken me to realize this? No. All my mother needs to know is that 'I'm easier to get along with'.

God, thank you for granting me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

And mom, thank you for hanging in there with me until I got easier to get along with.