Mental illness doesn't mean you are not a good parent

This story comes to us from JP in England

All through my childhood my mum suffered serious bouts of illness. I think the trigger was when my baby brother died. I was 4 then.

When I reflect on these experiences as an adult 30 years later, I feel as I did as a child. The hurt and pain is so strong.

My mother was a truly wonderful mother when she was well. She had a natural rapport with babies and young children however, when she became ill, and this was once or twice a year, she retreated into herself and I suppose, if I am being honest, my sister and I felt the neglect that a serious depression means for dependents. My dad was around but he had to work and it is frightening how close neighbours, friends and family keep their distance when someone becomes mad!

My mother had no insight into her illness and this meant that she had to become a danger to herself, or others, before she could be given treatment (usually starting in locked wards etc). We were often the first to notice the change in her. We also have many memories of mum being taken away against her will (screaming like no one would ever believe). Yet we were there. We lived with her. We lived through the depression, the paranoia, the bizarre rituals etc. and we will never forget. Sometimes we laugh at the things she did!

Please don't allow the children to be a fly on the wall, please don't keep them out either. I remember once the ambulance arriving - oh what a relief! I knew then that soon she would be in hospital and we would be on the slow road to recovery. The nurses saw my sister and I and I was asked to take her out for a walk until the ambulance had gone! It was one thing not to be a fly on the wall - but think of all the questions, emotions and fears going through our minds. So all the painful memoried are not all of my mum's making.

My story has not ended even after my mother's death. We loved and lost our mother all our lives. We had this wonderful person for a while then we would lose her to a terrible illness with bizarre behaviour. Then at the age of 54 she died suddenly after recovering for a severe psychotic depression (that time she refused to eat or drink and stored up her medication to overdose on. She lost 5 stones in weight).

The story goes on because we lost her for good and its harder to bear because we always got her back from her illness.

In some ways she is free from the torment but as her most loved children we always wanted to make her better, we always wanted to protect her, and now we can't. We will never see her better now. We credit her with our successes in life - both my sister and I have had successful academic achievements and work in professional jobs (my sister having received highest marks and perfect attendance all through her primary education!!. We have stable marriages and bright, gifted children. To others we will seem like excellent parents who encourage and support our children's talents and interests. But, we know that we are not a patch on our mum who was the greatest mum when she was well.

This site is so wonderful and the work with children to help in their understanding and at the same time giving support and compassion is commendable.

Keep up the good work.